It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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