Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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