If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
