I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
