and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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