I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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