i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
