oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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