he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
