At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
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After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
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some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
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