it wasn't lemon gatorade
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
