i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
