are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
