I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My vagina just recognized that song.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
