i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
