First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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