I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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