I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
