my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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