we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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