i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
