i was born a porn star she said
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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