when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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