Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
its liver damage thursday
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