I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
