Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
