she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
and eventually we just all took our pants off
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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