best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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