im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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