you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Randomize
