My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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