im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
