im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
