if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
