you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I checked into jail on foursquare
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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