The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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