dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
