I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
