Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
