you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
