Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
