i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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