gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
