I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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