so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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