i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
