I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
