Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
