If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
