so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
