the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
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he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
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I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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