There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
