I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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