Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
