please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
