Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
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