I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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